Imagine living in a world where going for a second run is not allowed. Great idea for a sci-fi movie plot. Except it’s our reality.
If you’re one of those nutters who always used to run twice a day, or need a second jog in order not to murder a family member, here are some tips on how to make it happen:
- Run at night. Wear black clothes and cover your face in black paint. Tell no one. If your spouse becomes suspicious, admit a fictitious affair.
- Do your second run wearing your household member’s fitness watch. Ideally without them knowing so it will be them who gets Strava bollocking.
- Run in disguise. A wig won’t do. Be thorough. Invent an “undercover runner” persona. Think it through. What is their name? What is their comfortable pace? Do they push themselves or just jog casually? Music or no music? How do they greet other runners? Do they hate dog walkers? What is their running style?
- Buy a new fitness watch and create second Strava account. Under a fake name obviously. Follow your fake Strava account and comment on their runs.
- Ask a lazy-bum non-active neighbour if you can have their daily exercise allowance. Exchange for toilet roll if necessary. Make them sign a legal contract. Hire a lawyer not to get screwed over. Carry the contract with you on all your second runs.
- Run on your way to do your essentials shop. That surely does not count as exercise. Upload a picture of you with a shopping basket to Strava in case anyone complains.
- Pretend you are insane and do your second run with a fully equipped military bag. If someone asks, say you were told to get to the extraction point as soon as possible.
- Do a morning run. Pause your fitness watch. Un-pause to do your evening run. Don’t shower between the two runs – that would be cheating.
- Wear a nurse uniform and pretend you are run-commuting. To be prepared, watch some YouTube videos on how to give CPR – if worse comes to worst.
- Don’t use your home rubbish bin. Instead, run outside to the bin every time you have a piece of rubbish to throw out. Encourage family members to munch on Celebrations and offer to dispose of each wrapper individually.
Please do delight me with your ideas – I am sure you have plenty 🙂
And most importantly, do not let me tempt you – always stick to government guidelines and social distancing rules 😉