(Are you) a good mum

To tell you that as a mother you are under pressure would be old news. You ought to raise a decent human being, beat other mums (because whether you admit it or not, it is a competition) and most importantly you have to perform and conform to your own expectations and standards that are (at least initially) higher than those imposed on you by the society. As a first time mum, you had this vision of being simply perfect, not compromising and doing a stellar job. Well, you are doing a stellar job (unless you shove your baby into a cupboard while you peacefully drink a bottle of Jack Daniels). Although, stellar in a slightly different way…

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So I’m not going to write about the pressure you are under. I’m going to write about you being a good mum. Because you are a good mum even if you:

  • Let your newborn boy’s wee somehow get into his eyes mere hours after he enters this world.
  • Accidentaly drop your phone on your baby’s face while trying to get the best angle for an adorable photo.
  • Just to stay awake during night feeds you watch The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and/or Jeremy Kyle’s Show, despite knowing that neither is suitable for his innocent eyes.
  • Wish your baby was as well behaved as your friend’s one, although you suspect that your friend is actually faking it and her newborn too is a nightmare.
  • Let your child scream like hell while you peacefully finish your toilet business.
  • Think of ways to manipulate your friends and family members into (seemingly) voluntarily offering to help with your baby and/or housework.
  • Seriously consider taping a dummy to your baby’s face so it doesn’t fall out every twenty seconds.
  • Make your cup of tea and open a pack of biscuits before you feed your screaming baby.
  • Call your doctor at 2 am describing the contents of your baby’s nappy in a (gross) detail.
  • Wonder if you can auction your child on eBay and if he could earn you enough cash for an early retirement.
  • Get curry stains on your baby’s white outfit when you’re trying to scoff a meal while breastfeeding.
  • Use your baby’s cuteness to your benefit, whether it is a free whipped cream on your latte or a better place in a queue.
  • Have a gulp of wine straight from the bottle each time you think that you can’t cope any more.
  • Ignore everyone’s advice and do whatever feels right. After all it was you who created this human being so you have every right to ignore all the smart books and people’s advice, and do it your way.

Finally, I need to point out that I have never done any of those things. Because I am not just a good mum. I am a perfect one! My only flaw is that sometimes I lie. Honestly! 🙂

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